Navigating Toxic Positivity vs Toxic Negativity: Where’s the Middle Ground?
Two buzzwords have come into play over conversations around mental health and wellness lately: toxic positivity and toxic negativity. They are both traps to fall into, especially right now when everyone is trying to stay either relentlessly optimistic or hyper-critical. Either way, both are harmful when taken to extremes. We have to make a conscious effort to remain in the middle ground between these two divisive sides.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human experience. It’s the "good vibes only" mindset where anything remotely negative is immediately shut down. Think of phrases like, "Just look on the bright side!" or "Everything happens for a reason," said to someone who is genuinely struggling. It’s not that attempting to reframe your mindset is bad, but when it invalidates your ability to feel or experience real issues and concerns, it becomes toxic.
What Is Toxic Negativity?
On the flip side, we have toxic negativity. This is the chronic focus on the worst aspects of situations, assuming the worst outcomes, or constantly expecting things to go wrong. It’s the mindset that keeps us in a perpetual state of “doom and gloom”, and does not allow for growth, development, or access to real happiness. You’ve probably encountered someone who always sees the glass as half-empty, no matter what. This is the person who may point out every potential flaw or downside. This is the person when you share good or happy news, they have something to counter it, immediately demoralizing or invalidating the excitement you may have. It isn’t a bad thing to be realistic and cautious, but when negativity dominates and controls the situation, it drains the energy from everyone who encounters it, leading to anxiety, discomfort, failed relationships, and missed opportunities.
Both toxic positivity and negativity can have damaging effects (hello – it’s called “toxic” for a reason!) on your personal relationships, work relationships, and your mental health.
Finding the Balance: The Middle Ground
So, how do we strike a balance between toxic positivity and toxic negativity? Here’s the sweet spot: embracing emotional authenticity.
Acknowledge and Validate Emotions: Instead of forcing yourself (or others) to "be positive" or "stop being so negative," start by acknowledging that all emotions are valid and working to understand those emotions. Experiencing and understanding your emotions is an essential part of my life, and emotional fluency and being mindful of your emotions can lead to increased emotional intelligence, resiliency, and emotionalregulation. It is important to remind yourself that feeling sad, angry, or scared is just as important as positive emotions, as they all serve a purpose to provide us insight as to what’s going on internally.
Practice Mindful Optimism: Try and aim for a balanced perspective. Take the time to recognize and plan for challenges and difficulties, but maintain a growth mindset that allows you to see potential solutions and opportunities. Doing so will allow you to take on new problems without being paralyzed by fear or overwhelmed by false positivity.
Communicate Openly: Whether you are experiencing emotions alone or within a relationship, open and honest communication is key. Instead of shutting yourself or others down, validate the experience and ask what is needed, from the other person and from yourself. Create a space where other people can tell you what they need (rather than what you think they need) and if you are struggling alone, give yourself space and grace to discover what you actually need. Sometimes connecting with a therapist or a coach can help you design your self-talk to manage these moments.
Allow Space for Both Positives and Negatives: Life, work, relationships… These things aren’t black and white – they are a spectrum of experiences. Give space for joy when times are difficult, and equally, give space for sadness even when things may be generally going well. It’s all about balance.
Cultivate Emotional Resilience: Remember when we mentioned that experiencing and understanding your emotions can lead to increased resiliency? Truly learning to sit with discomfort without rushing to “fix” it and being present with difficult emotions is the most powerful thing you can do. Over time, this will build emotional resilience and allow you to experience and create an authentic approach to your emotional well-being and all that life has to throw at you.
What’s Next?
Toxic positivity and negativity are two sides of the same tricky coin, both of which prevent us from fully experiencing the richness of our emotions. By acknowledging both the good and the bad, and sitting comfortably in that messy, middle space, we allow ourselves to grow, connect more deeply with others, and lead more authentic, fulfilling lives.
What’s next for you? If you find yourself in a situation where someone is being “toxic”, or maybe even if that person is yourself, take a step back. Breathe. And remember: It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s also okay to be happy amid chaos – it’s not okay to invalidate someone for their experiences. Emotions are spectrum and we are allowed to experience them all. Balance is key!