The Biggest Block to Self Empowerment: The Saboteur and the 10 Ways to Get Free From it
By Marla Skibbins
Vanessa was primed for a big presentation she was about to give to the executive team. She knew this was a huge opportunity and was prepared to present relevant and important information that would support the executive team in making some crucial business decisions. She felt ready to go having already done a dry run and memorizing every little detail of her presentation… and yet she was aware of a nagging voice in her head that was saying some pretty disempowering things to her.
“You are going to freeze Vanessa. Remember that time in high school?”
“You’re really not all that food at presenting, and the executive team knows that bout you.”
“You should just hand this off to your boss. She would do a better job and she’s a better subject matter expert”.
And so on, and so forth. I bet you can relate to having a voice like that in your head. It might not be about this particular subject or situation, but that voice has some things to say to you too that takes the wind out of your sails.
Enter stage left your own personal saboteur. The saboteur has many names: the judge, the inner critic, or just the critic. Its one job is to somehow and someway disempower you and to stop you from living your best life. I have been coaching for 25+ years and I have not met a person who does not have a voice like this. It may sound different or a little more sophisticated, but I promise you that you have one. It is a part of the human condition. However, I don’t believe that as humans we have to give in to that voice. Part of our greatness lies in being able to manage and overcome that voice.
So, how do we do that? We need to remember and be mindful of the saboteur. Once we are conscious of that voice telling us some version of “we are not enough”, we have a moment to choose to not listen to that voice. We have that moment to take back our power. While not exhaustive, here is a list of some ways you can take back that power from the saboteur.
The Voice isn’t you. Remember, that voice is NOT you and not who you are. Treat it like what it is, a crazy voice in your head that says silly things that have no bearing on you or your life.
Name The Voice. Take some time to get to know this voice in your head. You might notice it is more like a drill sergeant or maybe like your mean 2nd-grade teacher. If you can give it a persona, you are more likely to be able to distance yourself from the mean commentary and realize it is not YOU talking, but some crazy mean voice meant to take your power away.
Reflect on who you are. When you notice that “The Voice” is giving you hell, dressing you down, or taking away your power and joy, take a moment to remember your best qualities. Reflect on what you most like about yourself or something that is very important to you and bring that thing into the foreground of your thinking.
Remind yourself of your goals and/or achievements. Whether it is nailing the upcoming presentation, being a great parent, finishing the marathon you are training for, or landing that next role. Remember you are up to important things in your life that matter to YOU!
Have a life motto. Here are some examples of life mottos from past clients of mine: “Be kind”, “Leave the world better than when you came into it”, “Slide into home base totally used up and smiling”. What is yours? When you notice The Voice, bring your life motto into the foreground of your thinking and go actively practice your motto.
Do something compelling. If The Voice is harassing you, go do something that is completely compelling. Some examples of my clients’ compelling activities - Go for a run uphill, go to the gym, walk the dog, call a friend and listen to them, play Crossy Road, watch Tic Tok, start planning the next vacation…you get the idea.
Take mindful breaths. Stop and pay close attention to your breath. Take your attention off The Voice and stay very present with the sensations of your breath. Pro tip: set a timer on your watch or phone so you can really geek out on the breath for a few minutes.
Make a deal. Tell the voice that it can talk with you about this issue at some later date or time. You pick that time and put it in your calendar. Then each time the voice comes up you tell it and yourself “Nope, not now we have an appointment on Tuesday at 2pm” and hold yourself to having zero tolerance for it haranguing you. Pro tip: Make sure you make that appointment at a time you feel your most mentally and energetically strong AND keep that appointment. It’s important to follow through for this to work. For example, after a workout or coffee in the morning, and then limit that appointment to no more than 15 minutes.
Tell it to F%$& off! Plain and simple. I know that sometimes people don’t like that language and yet it is almost magical in how it can really work for you.
You get to choose. Remember to ask yourself “Who do I want to drive my life?” Is it you or that saboteur voice? Then make the choice to choose yourself and drive towards your amazing life!
The next time you find that saboteur voice is picking on you and you feel disempowered by what it says, pick something off of the list and do it. Be purposeful and intentional about, do the activity, and help yourself get free from your saboteur. You are the only one that can free yourself, empower yourself, and disengage from that negative influence that zaps your confidence. The person in the future who you want to become will thank you.