Love is Not a 4 Letter Word
Written by Marla Skibbins
There was a time early in my career when I was working with a co-facilitator in a team effectiveness offsite that had a profound impact on me. We had reached a point in the day where the team was really gelling together and having important insights into how they might work better together. As we were debriefing those insights, I said to the team “I am loving you all right now, and how you are growing and showing up for each other!” To me, this was inconsequential as a comment. It was the truth that I was feeling in the moment and was excited to share with the team. The moment we took a break, my co-leader took me aside and very pointedly said “Don’t you ever say love in a work setting!”
Being impressionable at the time I took that in… but there was a large part of me that felt her direction was off. I’m not saying you want people to feel uncomfortable or misconstrue your meaning, or to transgress some personal boundary. It is important to point out that I am not discussing the word love as romantic love. Love has more facets than just what you can share with your partner. What about love as friends? As family? By that logic, what about love as a team?
Years later, having grown and reflected a lot on the nature of leadership, I realize how much this situation exemplifies the tension between authenticity, vulnerability, and what is perceived as professionalism in the workplace. This situation left me questioning why my moment of expressing genuine care and appreciation for those team members was seen as a problem, especially when it was rooted in the shared experience of growth and collaboration.
There seems to be this unspoken rule that certain emotions have no place in the workplace, including this idea of “love”. This is not just an unrealistic rule, but a detrimental one to fostering effective, collaborative, and innovative teams. Think about it this way: when we spend the majority of our waking hours working with colleagues toward common goals with similar values, navigating challenges and constructive conflict together… there is bound to be genuine human connection through this work. In fact, if there isn’t that human connection, then we have failed as leaders and team members.
As leaders, three things truly make us effective: empathy, compassion, and authenticity. We shouldn’t be suppressing our humanity and the natural connections that come from working with other humans. We shouldn’t be stifling expressions of care and appreciation for each other. It is paramount to the work leaders do to express gratitude and yes, even love, in the appropriate context.
Imagine the impact on team dynamics if we felt comfortable expressing our genuine feelings toward one another. Imagine the boost in morale, the increase in trust, and the deeper sense of belonging that would result from knowing that we are truly seen and valued by our peers. In a study done by Wharton’s Sigal Barsade, employees who felt they worked in a loving, caring culture reported higher levels of satisfaction and teamwork. Units with higher levels of companionate love had lower levels of absenteeism and employee burnout.
So, to my co-facilitator from all those years ago, I respectfully disagree. There is a place for compassionate love in the workplace, that acknowledges the inherent worth and dignity of every individual, that recognizes our interconnectedness, and our shared humanity. As leaders, it is your job to challenge those around you who do not place focus on building an emotional culture. Love your team members, your supervisors, and your peers throughout your work. Be empathetic, compassionate, and authentic, and watch the results that follow.